Another Birthday...#39

When I first started writing this, it was a reflection of the things in my life so far that I would never want to ever relive. But in the process, I discovered that the things I would want to relive, those dailys moments, the little things in life that make it not only bearable to wonderful to live, are so much more worth writing about. They're at the end... As I approach my 39th birthday coming up on Thursday, I was pondering the other day on the first half of my life. It may not BE the first half - could be more, could be less - but supposing it is, so far, it's been an interesting ride - not all fun but definitely some highlights. The one thing that always stands out the most is why in the hell do the lessons have to be that hard. I learned another one today by the way. You can never bring enough phone numbers with you while you're out on a mission. Anyhoo... Some people seem to waste significant time wondering, if they could do it all over again, would they? And which parts? All of it? I really don't. In fact, I try to think of the past as little as possible except to remember the important things like how did I screw up being a friend before so I don't screw that up again. Or bring lots of phone numbers with you to work. Those are good things to remember. So, my answer to the question of re-doing parts of the past is fat f*@kin' chance. Part of the grace of childhood is that you really don't understand a lot of things until you're much older thus relieving you of the necessity to feel shame at your circumstance. Take for example one of the experiences from grade school. I went to a Catholic school and was part of a gifted program where I was bussed to the local public school to participate. It was every Wednesday (yes, I still remember this along with the fact that we took bus #4 to school everyday when we weren't walking - why is my brain still holding on to this when I have a serious need to use these brain cells for more pertinent and current information!!) So every Wednesday, I bussed across town to the other school. Incidentally enough, Wednesday was my regular school's church day (once a week apparently isn't enough). Can't remember if it was a requirement or not but I wore the one skirt I had every Wednesday for church. Are you doing the math on this? Yeah, there are a group of people out there for an entire year who saw me in the same exact outfit for an entire year straight. Can you say, "low rent"? I didn't realize this until a few years ago and when I did, it explained a lot about how high school went for me. Nope. Don't want to relive that. And high school. No sports records, no glory days. Just enough to get me launched into what we be the better part. Segue...wouldn't do the Naval Academy over again either. There were definitely some interesting experiences however. When I was a small kid, I was mowing my parents lawn and (don't ask) ended up chipping one of my front teeth. It was poorly patched and when I made it to school, the dentist took one look at me and asked if I was some kind of hillbilly and didn't they have dentists where I came from? No, I don't make this up. He said this to me. Knowing what I know now, I would have responded in kind but at the time, I was so shocked, I couldn't say anything. Thank God for good room mates to make that place bearable. Four years of being the hillbilly surrounded by people that were superstars where ever they came from. Cool. Wouldn't do that over again. Wouldn't change it, mind you. Just don't want to re-experience it again. If I did have to choose something to do over again, it would be my first fleet tour in VF-32. How can one person make so many mistakes on one short period of life? I guess one could say that I made it out unscathed to move on to bigger and better things but this small section, this 7.7% of my life has pretty much determined the rest since then. (Yeah, this is true of every decision - but in this case, think screeching breaks, massive U-turns and the proverbial excessive speed on the highway). Details aren't necessary but suffice to say that this is where I developed my propensity to work out way too mcuh (power lifting at the time), this was the spring board from which the rest of my career was launched (or thwarted depending on how I look at it) and where I got to know my current husband. It would take another 9 years for life to come to fruition. This is the main place in life that gets me thinking why do lessons have to be so hard to learn? When I look at my life on paper and speak to people about what I've done, it really sounds exciting, sounds almost unreal. Fist woman to be an F14....blah, blah, blaaaahhh. In reality the retrospect or the telling is always more interesting as one tends to not remember the pain invovled while it was actually happening. Not to say that I didn't enjoy it along the way, but not in the way that people think. Of my 39 years, here are some of the things that I remember. Not specific stories, but as one person put it - vignettes, sensations, feelings.

-The smell of "liberty". That smell of shwarma stands, scooter exhaust mixed with the industrial smells of a marine pier. Nothing beats that. It's the smell of freedom.

-Flying cross country from east to west when there was a break in the comm - quiet with that endless crystal clear sky as far as you can see, watching the Appalachians give way to the Kansas plains which give way to the Rockies, Grand Canyon and eventually the beautiful deserts of Arizona before hitting the endless Pacific Ocean. -Flying a PMCF out of NAS key West. Mom and Dad gave you the keys and you and a buddy get to go out and play in W174 alone and unafraid. Bend the jet, pull some g's, wake up the body, all while viewing some of the most gorgeous blue water you've ever seen. -Puerto Rico. Spent a month there in 2002. The smell of the rainforest has stuck with me ever since. Every once in a while, I would smell it in Hawaii mixed with that same salt smell and it always reminds me of the jungle in Roosey Roads. When I was there, the base was in the process of closing down so it was almost like a ghost town. I would run on the outskirts and see maybe one or two cars. I loved the feel of isolation. Our rooms were next to a defunt club and it felt like we were in the wild west surrounded by banana and palm trees. On another ocassion, we stayed at this resort and the smell of old wood still takes me back to the Conquistador. -Swimming in Ala Moana at sunset with good friends. The warm water, crystal clear sky and speckled horizon dotted with sail boats. -Sunset on an aircraft carrier. Need I say more? -The moment the ship pulls in from six months of cruise. While I've always like fly-in because you get home sooner, there's nothing like the energy of a ship with 5,000 people pulling in, the call of "liberty call" and the roar (I'm getting goose bumps just writing this) the roar of the crowd when they see that first Sailor walk off the brow. The hand shakes from complete strangers who say thank you even though I'm an officer as I walk through the crowd towards home. -The moment I found out that I was selected to do Kona. Again, need I say more? -I remember everytime I go to Livonia to see my family and the welcome that I receive. There's nothing like a good welcome. Like Ted's email signature says as quoted by some Kona Triathlete, "There's nothing lonlier than a finishline without friends." At this finish line, I always have friends. -Being on a beach in Kailua at sunrise (with no preacher) but surrounded by our best friends as Keo and I tie the knot...twice. -Riding over the H3 on a crystal clear blue-sky day on my motorcycle smelliing fresh cut grass. -Every time I round the corner (this has never in three years gotten old or unappreciated) by the Waimanalo light house to the vista that is the Waimanalo Bay, Bellows and Kaneohe Bay. Takes my breath away every time and every time, I whipser to myself, "I live HERE!" -Sitting at the green market with my favorite buddy and a sup of espresso. Can't wait to experience that one again (With a dog? With a kid in tow? Both?) There are more but I'm getting close to work time. So for at least the time being, I don't have to relive the bad parts but by some mirabcle of God, the moments that I do want to repeat are ones that I actually get the oportunity to relive over and over again. Not right now since I'm far away but soon. Here's to the hope of my last deployed birthday.