May 6th

OMG, let me first start this off with I can't believe that Favre is in negotiations with the Vikings. Did you hear that rumble? That crackling sound that permeates throughout the entire globe? That's hell freezing over folks. Forgive the expression folks but I feel like we all got screwed without the obligatory "I love you" at the end. Alas! It's cats and dogs officially living together!!! OK, vent complete. It's day 10. I've included nothing about the 5 W's of Kuwait and no movie quotes so far. So much to do and so little time... I'll give as much info on Kuwait and Arifjan as I can but just to issue the disclaimer in advance, we aren't even allowed to have cameras on base. OK, we all know everyone does and likely people are posting pictures everywhere but there will be chances in the future for me to take pictures of things much more exciting than the Nathan's Hotdog stand next to the pool. I live in POD. I don't know why it's capitalized. It might be an acronym for something like....hmmmm....Personal Oppression Device. Private Officer Domicile. Pickled Onions and Dates. I don't know. It's the Army and while we may have the same acronyms, they mean entirely different things. "PSD" in Navy means Personnel Support Department. Booger-eater clerks who screw up our pay. In Army, it means Personal Support Detachment which loosely translates to "Bad Ass Gun-Totin' Dudes who Drive Suburbans and Protect DV's". Imagine my confusion. In any case, think "18-wheeler" boxes. I live in half an 18-wheeler box and thank God! There's no sink or running water but at least it's private - just me and the Honu Posse. On a ship, this would be the equivalent of the "bowling alley" state room for those who know. The guy I replaced left me a nice desk, chair and a practically brand new refrigerator (yea!!). I can now eat breakfast in my room. I'll be back to ezekial cereal and soy milk in no time. (And yes, espresso maker is on the way...) The walls are plain gray so I feel right at home. On order is a gi-normous Hawaiian state flag (6 feet by 10 feet) that cost me an arm and a leg but man is it going to look good on my long wall. Yes, pictures of this will be sent along with pictures of my lederhosen espresso cup. (We're just a bundle of fun here :)!) My predecessor also left me some carpets which makes the POD all the more homey. The bathroom is about 50 yards down the walkway which is decidedly inconvenient at 11pm, 2am, and 4 am when I have a tendency to have to get up (yes, all 3). Did you know that the sun starts coming up here at 4am? One would only know this if they have to drag their ass out of bed to walk 50 yards to the can at 4am. There is one window in each unit but no one really opens then and they have outer shutters that are similar to hurricane shutters. I'm going to go out on a limb and say no one knows their neighbors here. Once a day (and you wouldn't expect this) I have to open the door wide to air the pace out because it gets wicked humid. On days I bike in my room, this wouldn't be a surprise but it's all the time. I must be the only person who has this problem. People walk by and I get the suspicious "stink eye" expression. The walls must be pretty thick here because several times, I've done "moving day" in which every piece of furniture has been moved around. This means one bed, two bed stands, one TV with VCR and stand and two very large metal stand-up lockers. These are all slid across a linoleum floor making maximum noise. (Think of the ship from the movie Galaxy Quest pulling out of its docking station. If I have to explain this, you wouldn't understand.) No one has complained so far which is nice as most of the noise I make is after midnight. The night I put my bike together, I dropped everything at least once. This includes frame, wheels, seat, floor pump and allen tool. All ended up on the floor due to a combination of jet lag and delirium. Good times! And all my beer-stealing, gun-totin' turtle can do is sit there and smile at me. Worthless! The only time the walls aren't thick enough to melt out sound is at 0600. The Army has deemed it necessary to play bugle music loud enough to be heard up in Iraq. This is really inconvenient for my personal program especially since my room is right next to a speaker. The good news is this random noise generator makes it feel like home. If only they would ring the bells to state the time like onboard ship. They also do random noise at 1700 and taps. Lots and lots of bugle music. I'm expecting Custer or Patton to pop into the office at any moment. The showers make me giggle. Ever seen Lost in Translation with Bill Murray? He gets into a shower in Japan and the shower head is about 12" to low. They are the same here. I'm trying to figure it out. It's not like mid-eastern people are shorter than the average population. Chalk this up to another part of the Land Of Not Quite Right. Funny Thing About Kuwait Thought For the Day: Kuwaitis LOVE their automobiles ("Au-tohmoh-beeeeeeelllll!" random thought - name that movie). Seriously, I need to start taking photos from my non-existent camera. They REALLY love their trucks. If you're in South Carolina, you might see a red neck cruising along with a dixie and a gun rack in the rear window of his Chevy. Here, it's Abdullah in his man-dress and head gear with a rear window "mirage" of the ruling King of Kuwait in his rear window. And this was one pimped-out fire-engine red Chevy. It's simply bizarre. The concept of personal space is completely different over here as well. Last week I peeked in my rear-view mirror to be treated to the sight of four little brown men lined up shoulder to shoulder in the front of one of those mini cargo trucks. They line their front windows with "curtains" that have tassels so it's just the funniest visage of four dudes squeezed in like sardines in a truck with dangling curtains. Funny Story o' the Day: Last week, my predecessor and I were out doing a fam run of the city. A little back ground on Kuwait - they have traffic "laws" here but to say they're enforced would be....a stretch. People in Benz's and Porches (because they have more money here than Davey Crockett - movie reference #4 BTW) fly by doing about 120 mph. The speed limit is 120kph (~74 mph). I'm here to tell you that a Suburban's speed governor kicks in at about 105 mph. Anyhoo, we're truckin' along at about....105 mph when this Explorer gets right on my ass. I pull one lane over to let him pass. He passes then slows down. Basically (apparently he might have a governor also) we play highway tag for the next 10 clicks. At one point I pulled out in front of him to pass another car and nearly clipped bumpers (SOP out here) and the race was officially "game on". BTW, this is the Bubba version of Kuwaiti. He's a young dude in a pimped out Explorer with a cheesy mustache and a tight t-shirt over his....large belly with a ball cap of course on backwards. We have our military hats on the dash so it's obvious as he stares at us when he passes that he knows we're Americans. After about 10 clicks, he's finally up ahead of me and lo and behold, it's the one day a year the Kuwaiti Highway Patrol is out. He gets pulled over while we cruise on by at the legal speed limit of course. He's got his head full out of the window with the absolute funniest grin of irony on his face staring at us as we cruise on by while he's pulled over by the cops. Priceless.